P3P Satire Girl Version: Welcome to Iwatodai?
by J. Harken
Summary: COMPANION TO P3P SATIRE BOY VERSION. Ever wonder what would happen if the main characters were foul-mouthed, arrogant gits? Well, wonder no more. Welcome to the inexcusable. Rated M for heavy language. Read and see the side of Minako we've always wanted to see!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Persona Series!**

**A/N: **Hey guys! Just as a fair warning, this story has a lot of vulgarity and plain offensive material. I'm really not like this, but I thought it would be hilarious to see the main character of P3P be a complete prick. **There's also a P3P Satire Boy Version, **so if you're into this one, please check it out! My friend and I have joint ideas and influence on the different stories, and we thought it would be really funny to bring them to the Persona fan fiction world! So please enjoy and read and review, good or bad! :)

- _J. Boven_

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**Welcome to Iwatodai?**

**o1.**

Getting off the train, there's a full moon that's as white as a fucking albino. Where the hell am I? I can't really tell because the pollution of Japan is suffocating. Like really – why are there so many fucking people? They use too many resources, and they make me want to puke all over this gay-ass school uniform. This skirt makes me look like raccoon tramp. Piss off, Gekkoukan.

And as I'm walking down this trippy street at midnight to get to this trippy new dorm, of course the God-damn power goes out. Story of my life, really. Walking alone in a city I hardly even know? The fuck? The coffin things certainly don't help. Where am I? Dracula's hometown?

Finally reaching the shiny yellow windows of the dorms, my "home," things get even weirder.

As I walk into the funky-smelling, richly-furnished piece of posh poop and glower at the nasty, retro television and puke-colored floor tiles, a little boy with a shirt that looks like a jail cell shoves his pale little butt face into my own. "Welcome."

Excuse me?

"You're late. I've been waiting a long time." Okay? I stare at the humanly-impossible light blue of his eyes and gag. What kind of place IS this? A circus too? They've got to be kidding. Sad version of a fucking joke.

"If you want to proceed, then please sign here. It's a contract."

No shit, you bastard. It says "contract" on the top.

Glaring at him, I pick up the yellowed-piece of fabric and stare down at it. "I chooseth this fate of my mine own free will." Chooseth? Are we all turning into fucking Shakespeare now?

Yet nonetheless, I merely shake my head and scribble down "Minako Aristao." As if it's legally binding anyway. I'm only 16.

"Very well," he muses, giving me a creepy, "Imma kill you bitch" smile. "Time is something no one can escape. It delivers us all to the same end. Wishing won't…" I block him out and focus on his hair. It was scraggly and malnourished like a baby gorilla's. Didn't his mother know how to properly groom her little kid? Maybe she abandoned him because he's so damn stupid and annoying…

"And so it begins…"

Yeah, the time that he leaves and gets out of my face. As he melts into the darkness of the dorm, I let out a short, satisfied cackle.

"W-Who's there?"

"Yo momma, you bitch. Who the FUCK do you think it is? It's the transfer student!"

A brunette appears from the hallway, her light-brown eyes wide, round, and as she comprehends my remark, scared shitless.

"How can you be… But it's…!" I look over at her and laugh. Her skin-tight cardigan has a Ketchup stain on it, and her red bow looks as if it's about to grow eyes and strangle her to death. She's literally shaking in her boots, and it's so fucking funny that I can hardly keep the piss from trickling down my thighs.

"Well," I begin, tumbling with mocking laugher, "I'm –"

"Don't tell me…"

"Don't tell you what?" I advance on her, my red eyes narrow slits. Who the hell is she, anyway? "I'm answering your question, you dumbass. Don't you DARE tell me to…"

At that moment, I realize that she's holding a gun. It glints in the catch of the moonlight, and I continue to stare at it. It's silver, shiny, and engraved with S.E.E.S. Oh shit.

Changing mid-second to smile at her, I bat my eyelashes and let out a nervous giggle. "Oh, don't worry, girlfriend. I was only joking!" But she could see the fear and fakeness in my face. This bitch was gonna shoot my vagina out.

"Wait!"

"OH GOD!" I jump ten feet into the air as some prissy-looking redhead ambles into the room, her eye half-hidden by her flowing hair. She also has a gun, but by the way she gazes at me, I'm not afraid. Instead, I feel my frown return as I look her up and down. Beautiful, elegant, and, above all, a complete bitch. I could tell already. Especially since the way she looked "down" at me. Pussy-breath.

The first girl gasps, and the lights suddenly come flickering on. For the first time, I see these bitches in the light. They're both very pretty with flawless complexions and figures only presented in movies and video games, but they weren't as pretty as me. Fucking second place, ladies!

"I didn't think you'd arrive so late." Weird jazz music starts playing as the redhead steps forward. What the fuck?

"My name is Mitsuru Kirijo." Fucking woop-de-doo. "I'm one of the students that live in this dorm."

"Oh really?" I ask, my voice bubbly and high-pitched. "Cause I really wouldn't know since you're here and it's after midnight! What a fucking shocker!"

Both bitches stare at me for two full seconds. They contemplate me, judge me; maybe even pity me. I didn't fucking know.

"…Who's she?"

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU! I'M THE FUCKING TRANSFER STUDENT!"

"She's a transfer student," said the redhead. OH MY FUCKING GOD! "It was a last minute decision to assign her here."

It's then my turn to stare at her. "What the hell are you talking about? I got my assignment two months ago…"

She ignores me. "She'll eventually be moved to a room in the normal dorm."

"What? You already don't want me?"

"Is it okay for her to be here?" Fucking brunette was acting as if I wasn't even in the room.

"I guess we'll see."

"What the hell does that mean, you bitch?" the older girl merely moves her eyes in a retarted-looking squinting fashion. Who the FUCK does she think she is?

"This is Yukari Takeba," she continues, motioning to the timid, awkward-as-fuck brunette. "She'll be a junior this spring, just like you."

If I even go to school, you bitch….

"…Hi. I'm Yukari."

"OH, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm glad you didn't blow me away with your fucking gun! And anyway, what do you assholes mean by this isn't a normal dorm?"

"It's a co-ed dorm, for one thing," said the mysterious redhead, "and there are other differences as well. I'll explain later."

"That isn't an answer! ANSWER ME, YOU GODDAMN BITCH-HO!"

She gives me the slightest look of disapproval, and for some reason, I understand that I'm expected to cringe and feel guilty for my behavior. What a fucking joke. She's REALLY going to have to get used to me being here. Stupid ginger.

"It's getting late," she sighs, looking down at her watch. At a glance, it looked as if it cost more than my tuition for the year. "You'll find your room on the 3rd floor."

"Oh? Is that where you stack all the prostitutes?"

Again, she ignores me. But I can see a hint of a scowl and even a twitch of amusement. "I suggest you tuck in for the night."

"Gladly," I grunt, lowering my gaze to her designer heels. This girl must be loaded! The fuck!

"Oh… I'll show you the way. Follow me."

"Uh, hold on a minute, bitch." I shift to my other side, staring up atYukari's skimpy-ass frame. "I don't need or want your help. You can piss off, Yuarki Take-a-bra. Seriously, your tits are so small!"

Without a word, the disturbing jazz music stops, and some suspenseful, serious shit starts. Mitsuru nods to me, and I can see the stern wrath in the pit of her amber-brown eyes. I can sense that she'll be a hard one to shoot down.

So much to my dismay, I follow the obnoxious Yukari to the last room at the end of the hall. The nameplate reads a scratched-off Yukari. Fucking great. _Her _hand-me-downs.

"This is it…" No shit. We're standing at a door while waiting around like idiots. "Pretty easy to remember, huh? Since it's right at the end of the hall."

"Yeah, I bet that's why you moved rooms – cause your tiny brain couldn't remember where it was."

Her brown eyes droop to the ground, and she shuffles her monkey feet. "So… Any questions?"

"So what about that little freak downstairs?" I ask, biting my tongue as I stare her down. "Mr. Prison Pants with the breathy, rapist voice? Did he come for you too? Did he look up your disgustingly short panties?"

"What are you talking about?" she stutters, her brows furrowing and her eyes shying away to the side. "C'mon. It's not funny."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure it is. Bitch."

She doesn't seem to understand what I'm talking about.

But as I snort in her direction and turn to make my way into my new "pad," the moron puts her hand on my arm and stops me, her eyes still freakishly shifted to the side even though she's supposed to be talking to me.

"Um…Can I ask you something?"

"No. Get the fuck out."

"On your way here from the station, was everything okay?"

"Yeah. Everything was great since I met you two losers." She scowls at me, actual anger instead of fear flaring in her eyes. Good girl. "But really, what do you mean?"

"You know what I –" She stops, catching herself. "…Never mind."

She was probably trying to see if I hooked up with any of her male strippers. That lousy piece of insecurity.

"It seems like you're alright."

"Yeah?" I say, a grin forming as I turn around to flash her. I'm not wearing any underwear. "You like it, bitch?"

"Well, I'd better get going," she breathes, her eyes peeping out of their sockets as she rushes away.

Laughing my ass off, I step into my room. She's gotta be totally freaked.

"Um…" Not even a minute later and she's in my fucking way again. Nice. "I'm sure you still have other questions, but let's save them for later, okay?"

What kind of thing is that to say? Is she TRYING to say "fuck you, you little bitch?" Geez! Japanese tramps and their lingo!

"Don't even bother," I shout, my face growing as red as my eyes. "I don't need to know where the hookers are because I can get some anytime I want for free!"

Her mouth opens, and that defeated, intimidated look returns. "Good night." And then she finally clicks away. For GOOD.

Now that I'm not bothered with petty girls in petty outfits, I FINALLY enter my new room. Though as soon as I swing inside and flip on the lights, I almost wish that I hadn't.

And ugly pink bedspread the same color as Yukari's cardigan haunts me from across the room. A fifty year-old desks squeaks around the corner, and a sink, some shelves, and a puny, un-erected-dick-sized fridge keep them company. Also, that fucking jazz music was back with a vengeance. "There's sex in the air, but I don't care; I love the smell of it!" Oh God. This has got to be a fucking practical prank.

As I check my bags to make sure Yukari Take-a-bra didn't steal anything and then lay down on the surprisingly soft surface of the stupid made, I make a note to tell rich Mitsuru to buy me some new furnishings.

But with the way things were going, the bitch would tell me to eat my own cum.

They all needed to fuck off.

_WHERE THE HELL IS THAT MUSIC COMING FROM?_

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I hope you all liked it! If you do, **please check out P3P Satire Boy Version. **Yet again, let me know how I'm doing, and I hope you all have an awesome day!


	2. Chapter 2

**__****Disclaimer: Persona belongs to Atlus.**

**A/N: Rated M for crude language.  
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**_o2._**

As I slept peacefully in the ugly-ass pink bed that reeked like the essence of that bitch named Yukari, I heard a series of loud, forceful knocks sound from that paper-thin door. A yelp escaped my throat, and my bed underwent a hard, desperate jerk. It scared the fuck out of me.

"Hey, it's Yukari."

"Hey, get the fuck out." Who did that shit-head think she was? It was only seven in the morning. Unlike her, I was beautiful and needed beauty sleep. She could hibernate for twenty years and still come out as demented as Joan Rivers without her bo-tox.

"Mitsuru-senpai asked me to take you to school today," Yukari continued. Apparently, she didn't respond well to blunt, candid threats. Nor did Mitsuru. What the hell was wrong with these pussies? Didn't they recognize sass when it bitch-slapped them across the face?

"Yeah? Well… I can find it myself." _You mother fucking ho. _It felt good to even just think of the insults. Sometimes, Minako wondered if she had a problem.

"I have to do it," she snapped, turning the handle and coming inside, namely TRESPASSING. "Mitsuru-senpai asked me to, and, uh, we always do as she says."

Did I hear a bit of a 'tude enter that wrenching horrible nasal voice? And I was trying to be nice… "Maybe you'd realize you can do whatever the fuck you want if your head wasn't stuck so far up her ass."

"Excuse me?" Little Miss Cardigan gaped over at me, her mouth twisted into a frown/scowl. "You don't even know what you're talking about."

"Just get your ass out of my room," I whimpered, closing my eyes and stomping my feet. "I don't have time for this shit."

As she continued to stand there, arms crossed and pout on, I continued to stand my ground with my back arched and my boobs out. No bitch was gonna take ME down.

But as I opened my eyes to glare at her, I saw something on her cardigan that stopped everything.

Hanging there on the side of her waist was a freshly used condom. Holy fucking balls.

"Yukari Take-a-bra. Got laid this morning, eh?"

Her eyes widening, Yukari glanced from me to her waist to the condom and then to the floor. Her face flushed red, and she then gave a nervous gasp before turning to flee from the room. Fucking coward.

Before she could make it, however, Mitsuru was standing in the threshold. HER face was red, but it glowed with a fierce, dangerous wrath as she held up the yellow package of a condom wrapper. And in her other hand, she grasped the red vest of a silver-haired boy. He was staring at the ground in shame, and Minako pitied him for having to deal with Mitsuru's crazy-ass power-struggles and for penetrating Yukari's wobbly vagina.

"Takeba," Mitsuru snarled, the fire alive in her voice. "You had better explain why this was in your room and why he was sneaking out of it."

"I-I…" The bitch couldn't even answer her senpai. She just stood there shaking like a fucking earthquake.

"Leave her alone, Mitsuru," said the boy, though his sexy voice was low and weak. "It's not her fault."

"Hm. Last time I checked, it takes two to have an experience like that," Mitsuru spat.

"And the last time I checked, girls want to get fucked just as much as guys."

"That's enough, Aristao," said Mitsuru. A warning, a threat; a DARE.

"But it's true, isn't it, Senpai?" I looked directly into the pits of her amber-brown eyes. "You wanna get laid, don't you? You wanna feel someone's fat, juicy dick slide up and down your vagina?"

"I said that's enough!" the redhead shouted, her eyes flickering to the boy and then back again with a mild sense of panic.

"I bet she'll forgive you if you sleep with her tonight," I told the platinum head, grinning at him. As he stared at me and then at Mitsuru and then at Yukari, I wondered why he was fucking wasting his time with that chatty brunette. She was ass-ugly, and I was a goddess. Even Mitsuru was decent enough to fuck. But not Yukari. What the hell.

"Come on," said Yukari, dropping the oozing package at Mitsuru's feet and grabbing my arm. "Let's go."

Allowing her to drag me, I turned to see Mitsuru and the boy facing each other, their mouths moving in speech and their bodies moving closer.

Damn. I was falling for a player. He'd have her fucked by breakfast.


End file.
